tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 1, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT
joyful holiday weekend. good night. "jimmy kimmel" next. >> tonight on -- >> a president they can have a beer with and vice president they can have a threesome with. >> tom arnold. >> 1 years and the woman cannot say one nice thing! i was -- maybe -- i was crying laughing. e hasn't changed! she's the same. >> ashley greene. >> and music from the wood brothers. >> hard core madonna fan s
thank you for watching. thank you for sneaking out of your rooms to be here tonight. it's very nice. i appreciate it. i hope -- i hope you had a good weekend. i had a good weekend. normally, i don't like to get wet but it was so hot this weekend i went in the pool. i have a pool i rarely ever go in it. actually, i played three hours of marco polo by myself this weekend. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and i won. that's kind of nutty. ladies and gentlemen, our american culture right now is under attack in the ukraine, which i believe is a country. the government is considering a ban on the show "spongebob" because they say it promotes homosexuality. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's ridiculous. "spongebob" doesn't promote homosexuality, spongebob promotes marijuana use. they say that animated shows like spongebob and teletubbies are stripping children of their
purity and innocence and it has to be stopped at once. i don't get it. the show is about a happy-go-lucky sponge and his best friend, a penis in hawaiian shorts. [ laughter ] the group also takes issue with the shows "family guy," "pokemon" "the simpns" with the destruction of the family and promotion of drugs and other vices. they believe there's a homoerotic subtext between spongebob. that came out of the ukrainian government. spongebob is not gay. no self-respecting gay man would wear brown pants with black shoes. the show would become spongebob skinny jeans. it made me wonder what would that show look like if this was the case. so to find out we combined video from an episode of spongebob with audio from an episode of "project runway" and the result is this.
>> hi, how are you doing? >> great. >> it's great to be here. >> i'm excited to be here. >> so tell me about the look. i'm certainly fascinated. >> my skirt i'm on the fence about. i'm doing different panels coming down. >> i just want you to be cognizant of not overdesigning. it's looking kind of clownish. >> it is -- i guess it's difficult for me to keep my mouth shut during this critique. i can't even look at him. >> you were making absolutely no eye contact with me. >> i don't know. i'm just anxious at the moment. [ applause ] >> jimmy: there you have that. we settled it. on friday, six days after paul ryan was picked to be mitt romney's running mate, a shirtless photograph of him finally turned up on tmz. that's why we're the best
slash last worst country in the world. here's the photo, paul ryan with his wife janet taken six years ago while on vacation in oklahoma which raises an interesting question, who goes on vacation in oklahoma? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for some reason, a lot of people have been looking for this, if you type "paul ryan" into google, the fourth thing that comes up is paul ryan shirtless. apparently americans want a president they can have a beer with and a vice president they can have a threesome with. tmz is calling this the first shirtless photo of paul ryan. it's like the harry potter movies, there are many more to come. can you imagine if tmz had been around when clinton was the president? we'd probably have bottomless pictures of him. [ laughter ] it's actually pretty common to see shirtless photos of our political candidates. i'm sure you remember this photo of president obama not wearing a shirt in hawaii. of course, there's the republican candidate and former magic mike huckabee.
meanwhile, mitt romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide. you know, there are a lot of cute animal videos online. probably too many. this is the best one i've seen in a while. a boston terrier named tito playing in the park as dogs are expected to do. this isn't a tennis ball this is a big ball which is why i call this video "little dog big ball." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he actually -- let's see that again in slow motion if we could. way up in the air! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like the johnny knoxville of dogs. are you familiar with the name ryan lochte? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the hero from the olympics. the swimmer, won a bunch of medals.
apparently for the last few weeks, ryan lochte is trying to trademark what is apparently his catchphrase "jeah." it's like yeah with an "j." unfortunately for ryan, a rapper came up with that in the '80s. he said why try and trademark something that his -- he didn't even create? this could go down as the lamest rap feud ever, right? they're going to send lochte a cease and desist order from saying jeah. a food idea. i think everyone should cease and desist. do you know what it means? ryan lochte explained it in a press conference in 2009 at the world aquatics championships. they asked him exactly how he would define the word jeah.
>> it's pronounced jeah -- by a young rapper that said it i kind of wanted to change it with a "j." and he, like, put everything on it. like happy. like if you have a good -- like jeah. like good. so i guess like good. >> jimmy: oh, good. okay. i think those tight swim caps have done to his brain what little shoes did to chinese women's feet, you know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this jeah reminds me somethg that guillermo is involved with. guillermo has been trying to trademark it. this is a word you came up with yourself? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: you've had a difficult time trademarking it. >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: you believe it to be your intellectual property. what is the word? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: the word is yes? >> guillermo: yes.
>> jimmy: what is the name of your favorite character from "full house"? cle ssy. >> jimmy: good luck with that. someone brought an amazing new fashion trend to my attention. in china, there is a popular new garment, beach wear garment which is a bikini for your face. this is what they look like. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's called a face-kini. you can call something a face-kini that is already called a ski mask? they protect your face and head. they're also good for robbing underwater banks. here's another one. i don't know. if you're this concerned about protecting your face, just stay home. if i was the sun, i'd burn you extra for wearing this. they even make them for kids. are we certain china hasn't been overtaken by an earless alien race? that would be less creepy.
i don't know what's scarier, that photo or that photo. i'm just going to say this once so we can move on. china is weird. and i miss the tanning mom. one more thing, this is wonderful, there's a video that has become very popular online the last few days. it's old bar mitzvah footage. a bar mitzvah is a religious ceremony when a jewish boy reaches 13 years old, he has a bar mitzvah and officially becomes a man. there is a party after the ceremony and this is how a new man named shaun sperling celebrated his manhood. ♪ ♪ and that's what it's for so come on vogue ♪ ♪ let your body move to the music ♪ >> jimmy: "vogue," "like a virgin" might have been a better choice of songs.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: i saw the video and it goes on and on and on. it's fantastic. i wanted to know where that young man ended up. our crack team of researchers found him and he's agreed to chat with us. here via skype from chicago, hard-core madonna fan shaun sperling. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how long ago was this video shot? >> that was in 1992, so it's been 20 years. >> jimmy: who posted it to youtube? >> i did actually. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did. did you have an idea that maybe it would become popular? why did you post it? >> well, i thought it was time for me. i'm now a professional attorney i thought i could dig it up and relive my past a little bit. and i had no idea this was going to happen. >> jimmy: going back to then when you told your parents you wanted to have a madonna-themed bar mitzvah, what was their response to that? >> shockingly, they were on
board right away. they said, if you want that, go for it. >> jimmy: your moves were very -- were you self-taught? did you have a corpsing choreographer or what? >> i practiced every day after school with my sister. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. was the dance a surprise to the guests at the bar mitzvah? everyone. a surprise to i think kept it under wraps. >> jimmy: so now you're an attorney now, are you still striking poses like there's nothing to it? >> you know, when i can. i just really want the ukrainian government to see the video and see what happens then. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you might get banned there, too. i tell you what, i think judges would love a dancing lawyer. i mean, have you vogued in court or anything like that? >> i haven't yet, but if i need to i will for my client. >> jimmy: have your co-workers seen this video?
>> it's gone all over. that's all anybody's talking about. >> jimmy: do you still have that airbrushed madonna shirt? >> unfortunately, it's missing, it's lost. we're working on either finding it or getting it re-created. >> jimmy: how do you lose something like that? >> i don't know, i lost a box. we also had t-shirts that said i vogued with shaun at shaun's bar mitzvah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a great item. shaun, have you heard anything from madonna's people? is there any chance you'll become a backup dancer or something with her? >> oh, i can only dream. she'll be here in chicago next month, so we'll see what happens. >> jimmy: oh, we have a big surprise. madonna has generously agreed to not be here tonight. that would be great if madonna got you on the stage to do a little vogue. i saw in your bio, you came out of the closet two years after that bar mitzvah.
a think a lot of people might say you came out four seconds into that dance? [ laughter ] >> you're absolutely right. i'm surprised that not everybody left saying i thought that shaun might be gay. >> jimmy: you're very lucky. you have a very understanding parents to let you go along with that. do you believe that spongebob is gay, shaun? >> i love spongebob for spongebob, no matter who he is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. a beautiful sentiment. do you still know the dance? do you still know the moves to voguing? >> once you vogue it never leaves you. >> jimmy: can you do a little bit as we go here? [ cheers and applause ] >> here we go. >> jimmy: here he is all grown up. >> five, six, seven, eight. ♪ >> jimmy: that's somebody's lawyer. thank you, shaun.
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you can see them live on saturday at belly up in aspen and sunday at the ride festival in telluride. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by chef gordon ramsay, jordin sparks, and have music from andy grammer. and later this week, robert pattinson, kyra sedgwick, from "pawn stars," rick and corey harrison and music from polica and josh doyle. among other stuff. >> jimmy: our first guest is one of the few people on this or any planet who can say they've won both a peabody award and starred in the movie "soul plane." the weekend before last, he reunited with, and roasted, his ex-wife on comedy central. this wednesday, you can see him in the excellent new movie "hit and run," please welcome tom arnold. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> good, how are you doing, buddy? >> jimmy: doing good. you were very funny at that
roast. >> well, thank you. >> jimmy: you did a great job, too. everyone seemed kind of shocked when you walked out there. >> well, it was shocking. yeah. i didn't know -- it came together at the last minute. >> jimmy: okay. >> when it first was announced, my publicist didn't even ask me, she said no way is tom doing it because she loves me. but in the back of my mind, i was like, well that would be fun. i've done other roasts, joan rivers and stuff. but i didn't have any passion for that one. >> jimmy: you weren't married to her. >> this one, i came loaded up. this is roseanne's thing. she's being honored by her friends. i'm not one of her friends. we'll let this thing happen and it's hers and i respect that. i knew there were going to be a lot of jokes about me. that's going to happen. the tuesday before the roast, i get a call. the producer is like, roseanne would like to speak to you. we literally have not spoken in over 18 years. never. howard stern, one time ago about 14 years ago, it's a pretty
famous recording where they called me, she was on, we're going to make amends, the next thing i know, i'm yelling, you crazy -- what! $2 million for a shoe box, are you out of your mind! she comes up with this stuff. it went back there. i was afraid if we had a conversation, it would go there. i said, why don't you tell me what you'd like. she would like you to be part of the roast. she'd like you to dress as a waiter, come out and serve her a drink and take off. i was like, well, that's not going to happen. you can get one of her other ex-husbands to do that. you don't really need me. they called wednesday, something a little different. by now, people have made fun of you, they tell me, you make fun of those people, you turn to roseanne, give her a fist bump and leave. then i don't address roseanne? they go, no. that sucks so bad. people would be upset, right? >> jimmy: it would be very disappointing.
>> thursday, i get a call, whatever you want. now i have to brace ashley, my wife, i have not broached this with her. if she says no, i can't do this and my publicist, i present it to them, then i hear "over my dead body." when you hear over my dead body from people that love you, there's not a lot of wiggle room -- you know what i mean? yeah, but -- you have no self-esteem. you know how women are. >> jimmy: who said over my dead body? >> stacy. and the self-esteem came from ashley. this is the addict talking. that kind of thing. so we passed. then 6:00 friday night, i get a phone message, i hold up the phone. i didn't recognize the number, do you think -- by the way, ashley, she doesn't connect tom and roseanne in real life. she was 6 when i met roseanne, right. seriously, she thinks it's some
kind of really dark reality show. she really has no emotional connection to it. i hold the phone up, i go, do you think it's her. i was so scared to even check. i haven't hear her voice on my phone. i check, it is roseanne. she leaves me what i thought was a very nice message. hey, please do this. you know, please put this behind us, let's bury the hatchet. it's a very sweet message. i play it for ashley and stacy, stacy is like, yeah, it sounds like she has a gun to her head. i'm like, come on. all the men i know are for it. the women are against it. then i called my lawyers, marty singer. he's on vacation, i'm like, do i have any restraining orders? [ laughter ] this is for real. this is for real. i'm not kidding. is there something like a gag order? lured into a trap. this woman, i'll tell you what, ten years ago, i was shooting a pilot over on the roseanne lot, right? the audience is there. the p.a. will hand out new
pages. while you'ring aing and the writers have punched it up. the p.a.'s come out, the lords brothers. the whole family. i start reading these new pages in front of the audience and they're like, tom arnold is a [ bleep ] -- what! she has taken the roseanne writers, they rewrote the script and sent their p.a. to infiltrate our stage. that's a lot of work, you know what i mean. this is like in the roseanne days when they needed all the writers they could get, you know? [ laughter ] no offense. great joke. she's a very clever lady. i was a little afraid. and the lawyers are like, they call back, it's okay. now, it's 8:00 or 9:00 at night. my wife's getting a massage, what do you feel, honey. she goes, i really don't care if you do it.
i go, will you call stacy? there's people that care about you so much, you can't overrule them. stacy's been with me 17 years. she starts talking to stacy. then the people from the big company start calling. this is late friday night. stacy says we'll do it on one condition that roseanne agrees to say one nice thing about you. she can say all the jokes, of course, it's a roast, tear me up. but she has to say one nice thing that she knew i was coming and she was happy with it. she couldn't say he stormed the stage. he's crazy or whatever. an hour, they called back and said, thank you everyone for coming, and i do mean everyone. that's not what we're looking for. let me tell you, by now it's clear that they need me at this roast somehow and it's been 18 years and the woman cannot say one nice thing. i was crying laughing. she hasn't changed. she's the same! then at midnight, we get a call, she's willing to say thanks, tom, for coming, you
always made me laugh. you always made me laugh? that's the nicest change could ever be said. stacy is like, no, no, that's what a woman says about an idiot she dated. but he always made me laugh. that's the deal. the other people get involved. they work it out at 5:00 in the morning. i go over there. i'm pretty nervous, because i'm walking into a situation where it could go really bad. >> jimmy: yeah, you haven't been face-to-face. >> i haven't seen her. plus it's her buddies and everything. nobody knows i'm coming. she knows. nobody knows. i get there. they hide me in the back of the trailer. i watch the feed of the show and i know follow ellen barkin. this is the first time they've seen me. the catering are in the back of the parking lot, they're in shock. you could tell. people are lined up against the walls, there's silence, he is really freaking here, the man is crazy. i didn't see the stage, didn't rehearse or anything. where is she?
she's over here. just want to know where she is in case she attacks. [ laughter ] i mean, seriously. i get out there. i just want to get through. i don't even make eye contact with the other comics. i just want to get through my stuff and get started. i get started. it's going pretty good. then i make eye contact with her because i am so horrified because she's so much thinner than i am. i'll tell you right now. she looked good. it was terrible. it was horrible. had i known earlier, i would have gone on a liquid diet. i'm not going to be fatter than roseanne at her roast. but i was, way fatter. then i start doing my jokes. then they had her miked up. you could hear her talking and cackling. i have to tell you, it reminded me why i liked her in the first place. she's funny. >> jimmy: there are a lot of funny moments. said a lot of funny things. this is kind of a sweet moment, i thought. we have the clip here. >> 1985, roseanne went on johnny
carson which is every comic's dream. she killed. he laughed his ass off and thumb's up and he invited her to sit on the couch. she got validation from the king. that can never be taken away from you. [ applause ] and i just want to say that, roseanne, you were my johnny carson. and thank you for the thumbs up. and thank you for allowing me to sit on your couch for a little bit. good night. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was very nice. did you talk to her after the show? >> i did. as soon as i said that -- i talked to, kind of getting emotional. i'm an actor. i want to man up on this stuff. i turned around to leave really quick, that went well. i'm out of here. oh, god, i have to shake her hand or something. we had this awkward hug. then i went backstage. i hear, tom, tom, she said some nice things. >> jimmy: did you make love?
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what the -- [ whistle ] >> mom! >> oh, no! >> no! >> stay in park! stay in park! or i'm going to break you, hear me! >> hey, what are you doing? what are you doing, randy? >> nothing! >> what do you mean nothing, i look out my window, you're ghost-riding your van in the back yard, you're making holes and everything.
>> shut the [ bleep ] up, charlie! >> sorry, ma'am. [ cheers and applause ] >> dax shepard, the guy -- >> jimmy: great guy, kristen bell. bradley cooper. >> bradley cooper is sexy and amazing. a bunch of great people. >> jimmy: you kind of staefl show. you're you have funny. >> and dax wrote the part for me. we were in afghanistan together. you know when you're touring, you're getting a little stressed, i was eating an extra amount of food, a lot of food before the shows. there was a tour guide, first thing he told me, i've been doing this a long time. i brought spyro gyra over here. i go, oh! i called him that every day. he hated me. he said you're the most selfish person i've ever met. i'm like, really, you're the most arrogant.
we had this huge fight in front of the soldiers. they didn't know what to do. after that the spyra gyra guy said you put him in your place. dax is like screw you, man. we hug it out, we have a great show. that's a little bit like this, when i get my feelings hurt when i get embarrassed, i get angry. >> jimmy: or when you leave your car in drive. >> the movie is a lot of fun. you'll lick it for many reasons. >> jimmy: you also have a show called "redneck rehab." on pbs? >> on tmz. if somebody is redneck, they're living the high life, they're eating healthy. we will bring them into the fold. we'll do an intervention. we'll get them back! >> jimmy: "hit and run" opens wednesday. we'll be right back with ashley greene! [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the wood brothers, you know our next guest as alice from the world's favorite vampire family. on friday, she takes a break from werewolves to do battle with ghosts in the new movie "the apparition." please welcome ashley greene. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look great. how's everything? >> thank you. it's good. >> jimmy: you're on the cover of "cosmo." are you aware of this? >> i was aware of this. >> jimmy: i like this, ashley
greene, feel her gutsy get ahead attitude. do you have a gutsy get ahead attitude. >> i think that's rude for "cosmo." >> jimmy: how about this one down here. "when your vagina acts weird after sex." [ laughter ] >> i was real excited about the picture and then i read that. great, can't wait to show my dad. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wonder what happens when your vagina acts weird? oh, my vagina is acting so weird. [ laughter ] now, i know how to solve my problem. did you warn your family of about this, i was leafing through this, and this is really filthy, this is pornography. >> thanks. actually, my mom is like a buffer for that. basically, we have a chat and decide what my father can or cannot see.
unfortunately for me, this is now on your show. >> jimmy: although you're dressed conservatively, it's not like you're doing anything. but the rest of the magazine is indeed filthy. what are you doing this summer? >> i went back to jacksonville, florida. >> jimmy: your hometown. >> love it, yes. just hung out. >> jimmy: what do you do, do you stay with your parents when you're there? >> it depends, sometimes, sometimes, we get a beach house. >> jimmy: i see. do they then come and invade your place and stay with you? >> yeah, they do, actually, because it's on the beach. actually, they came and invited their friends up there. >> jimmy: oh, they did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's great, did you go to like a motel? >> i'll go stay with my friend, jenny. >> jimmy: quite a vacation. do you hang around with your friends while you're there? >> yeah, we do. my same friends from like sixth grade. >> jimmy: they must be excited when you come back? >> they are. they're really excited.
well, sometimes. >> jimmy: why are they not excited? >> jenny and i get together and act like we're in sixth grade again. and we like to play pranks on people. whenever i get back to jacksonville. there is not a lot to do there after a while. >> jimmy: who are your targets? >> jenny's mom. >> jimmy: her mom? >> yes. >> jimmy: the primary target. >> because she's so nice. >> jimmy: those are the best ones. >> she's so nice and she gets so mad. the last one when we were there, this is a website where you can do prank calls and you basically put in two numbers and it makes them look like they're calling each other when they're really not. you know what this is? >> jimmy: i actually became obsessed with this for a period of 36 hours. it's the greatest thing. call it prank dial or something, right? >> don't tell the world. >> jimmy: you can have one phone call another phone. they forget. don't worry about it. it look it's like the numbers come from one number and you can listen in on the whole thing. >> oh, yeah, you can record it and listen to it and play it back.
her mom thinks her house is haunted, even though it's brand new. she's the only one that lived in it, just got built. she was out of town and she swears there's ghosts. we called her 20 times in the middle of the night. she wakes up to 20 missed calls from the ghost at the house because they would pick up her phone and dial. has one of her friends go over, pays her like $50 to go over. i'll tell her, she loves me. her mom is so mad at me. i was like, dude, what is the problem, it's just a joke. we later find out that she called the cops. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> now she's known as the crazy lady. >> jimmy: did she tell the cops there were ghosts?
it makes sense, you think somebody is phoning you at the house. if you're breaking in a house, why would you call the owner over and over again? where's your jewelry? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why did she think the house is haunted? >> i don't know. the house is not haunted. >> jimmy: do you think she will go see your movie that movie has ghosts in it? it's probably see it. >> ironically enough, the movie "apparition" they actually go into a new house. and it's haunted. >> jimmy: the new house is haunted? >> apparently, we're haunted. basically it's this entity that my boyfriend in the movie has kind of dredged up in college and neglected to tell me. >> jimmy: oh, you've got a haunted boyfriend? >> yes. so the apparition has decided to kind of torture and mess with me. >> jimmy: i hate when they do that. [ laughter ] >> it's very rude. yeah, i'm trying to figure out what's going on and how to get rid of the thing and it just feeds off of your fear. >> jimmy: i like how you have worked with ghosts,
frankensteins, werewolves. you need a frankenstein and a mummy. to complete the collection. do you like scary movies in general? >> no. >> jimmy: you do not like them? >> no, i used to watch scary movies all the time then got to a point where i kind of started freaking out. and i thought, oh, wait, people can actually do this to you and sometimes, they're awful. i would go through the point that i wouldn't even take a shower at night if no one was home. >> jimmy: so you were a filthy kid. >> i had parents. about no, the one night they weren't home. i used to cheer and it's hot. but i was like super sweaty and gross. they were out. i had to get up for school the next morning, 6:00 a.m. i was like, this is ridiculous. i'm going to be an adult and take a shower. i take the house phone and my dog into the bathroom. lock the door. get in the shower. and everything goes black.
literally like it could not have happened at a worst time. this is happening, i've seen it in movies. i like go. i get out of the shower. and everything goes back. i grab the phone and it does that thing, beep, beep, beep. just got off the phone. i know what's going to happen. i literally broke the screen out of my window. jumped out of the window with a towel. >> jimmy: really. >> ran over to my neighbor's house and was like, oh, my god, somebody is breaking in the house. they come and look at me and say, do you realize that our power's out, too? it's a power outage. >> jimmy: ghosts took over the neighborhood. >> i'm like, they're kidnapping everyone. >> jimmy: well, you're lucky to be alive. i will say that. this is an opportunity for a new generation of kidding to get nightmares. and be terrified to bathe. it's called "the apparition" opens friday, ashley greene, everybody. we'll be back with the wood brothers. [ cheers and applause ]
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